Last Drive Through The Psyche
by Riss - uscmam
Summary: Continuation of Philosophy of the Mind & Deep Thoughts on 30 Days. A final look at the minds of Paris, Torres & Janeway showing how love, acceptance and the future work in wake of the events of Drive. A/N - contains discussions of J/P but is canon.
1. Picture Perfect

_A/N 1 – Thanks to starrylaa for being a wonderful beta! _

_A/N 2 - This set, which looks into the minds of B'Elanna, Tom and the Captain, is the last of the series that began with Philosophy of the Mind and continued in Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days. I hope you've enjoyed a trip through the minds of Voyager as much as I have had fun writing them. _

_Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are mine, so please ask permission before taking them elsewhere, and always keep my name attached._

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Last Drive Through The Psyche - Picture Perfect

By Riss

I've always been a big fan of puzzles. As a young child I loved the two dimensional kinds out of the box with the pictures on the front. As I grew older, I wanted things to be more complicated. I moved on to disassembling the replicator before rebuilding it to work faster and better.

By the time I was in high school, I was building my own engines. My next puzzle in life was figuring out how to do what I wanted with life. I wanted to be an engineer designing the starship, so I applied to Starfleet Academy. After all, they had the best ships.

That was one puzzle I was wrong about. Those pieces and I definitely didn't fit together. After I left, I couldn't figure out where I needed to go, until I met up with Chakotay. The Maquis seemed like another perfect fit. They always had work for me, with the crappy ships they were trying to fight the war with. They needed me and I seemed to fit in with them. The last missing piece was that I was still alone. Sure I had friends, but no one to share my life with.

Then we ended up getting pulled into the Delta Quadrant. I woke up in some prison hospital with growths on my body and a green Starfleet ensign saying his ship was there to arrest us. Without realizing it, Harry's friendship was the first piece in the picture of my new life on Voyager.

Shortly after we were rescued he introduced me to his best friend on Voyager. I had met Tom in the Maquis and pretty much hated him. I wasn't ready to change my opinion once I saw him again on Voyager. After all, wasn't he a traitor to the Maquis?

Over the next few months the pieces of my new life started to fall into place. I became chief engineer, charged with keeping this ship together and trying to make sure we made it (delete this word) the seventy thousand light years home. I made new friends on the ship and realized that others were not meant to be. And most importantly, with the constant help of Harry dragging the two of us together, I realized that Tom was quickly becoming my friend.

A few years into the journey I realized that he was rapidly becoming more than just a friend. For a long time I stayed away from him, denying that I felt for him anything more than I should have. After all, Tom was the playboy of the Delta Quadrant, or so he had everyone believe. In reality a lot of that was just talk. He had a few women he liked to hang out with, but they all knew that it was just for fun.

Of course, I wasn't the only one watching him. At the start of the journey I actually considered that they were carrying on a secret affair, with all the flirting that was going on. But the Captain was above getting involved with anyone. After the incident with the Pon Far, I found I could no longer deny my feelings toward Tom, and this was the first time I had hints that that this thing between us was more than harmless flirting or meaningless sex.

Once we finally got together I thought I had completed the puzzle of Tom Paris. I was his girl, and we loved each other. But as time went on, I realized I was wrong. I had only solved that small portion, because off to the side there was the Captain staring at us. And after his time in the brig, I realized the picture showed him with his arms around me, and his eyes on her.

I wasn't the only one he loved. For a while I worked harder to make him mine. It has not been easy. Between the public flirting when he convinced her to play Arachnia, the Queen of the Spider people and our fighting about Seven's research project or Max Burke, we haven't had it easy recently. But it's the quiet moments, interspaced with some amazing sex, that define us. He is the only one who has ever seen me with my guard truly down, and I know I'm the only one on Voyager who has seen him that way as well. As close as he and Harry are, he's still that cool older brother figure who gets him into trouble, but still can do no wrong.

But despite those moments of perfection, I've been worried that I was going to lose him forever. After all, he did create an entire holodeck program designed to appeal especially to her. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that he did design a holographic boyfriend for her as well. Even taking a trip into his mind because of that crazed ship Alice, I wasn't sure that I was enough for him. I knew that he loved me, but I could see how important getting her respect was to him and sometimes it felt like that outweighed his love for me.

Then came that stupid space race. His canceling our weekend was the last straw in our relationship. I thought I had lost him. I really thought she was winning the race for his heart as we headed toward the finish line. But then we were no longer racing. (I really like this analogy of their triangle being a race between the two women)

I thought he was crazy, after all he practically begged the Captain to be allowed to race and he was purposely making us lose. But then we finally talked about us, and about her. I told him that I realize that she is special to him, but I will not be in the middle. He said that he loved me, and I was the center of his world.

He finally admitted that he had been confused about his feelings for her. He realized he loved her, but not the same way he loved me. He was confusing his prior physical attraction to her with his close friendship into something more. He said that he had been distant lately as he worked out how to ensure he didn't overstep any boundaries and hurt the most important person in his life. He wanted me, and only me as his lover and wife.

We decided to get married immediately, as we both realized that she had been the only thing holding us both back from committing to forever. As soon as I accepted he said that he had only one thing left to do. He had to talk with her and make sure she understood exactly what his feelings were. It was his feelings for her that had strained our relationship, and his duty to fix it.

I'm sure it wasn't the easiest conversation for either of them, but I know that she had a genuine smile on her face as she married us. In the days since we returned from our honeymoon, she has been nothing but happy for us. She seems a little sadder, but not once has there been a glance of lust towards my husband.

It has taken a while, but now everything is clear. Okay , so perfect isn't the right description, but nothing in life is perfect. Who wants perfect? That's boring, and definitely not enough to hold my attention.

But this is right for me. I have finally found the straight edges of the puzzle and have filled in all the missing middle pieces. She will always be an important part of his life, but I am the center of it. I am his wife, and the only one he truly loves. He loves me, and wants to be with me, which I think is a perfect picture.


	2. Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye Part 1

Last Drive Through The Psyche - Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye - Part 1

By Riss

The first time I ran Sandrine's for the crew B'Elanna called the gigolo a pig, and said I was one too. I think that is the first time in a long time I stopped to think about my life. I realized that she was correct, and that I didn't like it. I had been given a new lease on life, a chance to make something of myself. Professionally I was doing that as the new chief helmsman, fourth in command on the ship, but my relationships with others needed work.

As I sat and thought, I realized that since I was kicked out of Starfleet, I really had been a pig. I considered a simple thing such as holding a girl's hand. It is an easy way to show that you like them and want to be around them. It's the first thing young couples do, before they even get a chance to kiss. I couldn't even remember the last time I had held a woman's hand, but I could, though hazy at times through the alcohol and drugs, remember the many, many women I had sex with.

At that moment I realized it was time to change. I wasn't going to swear off sex, but I wasn't going to be a pig about it anymore. It wasn't easy returning to the man I decided that I wanted to be, but neither has the road to respect on this ship been a simple task.

I think the clearest example of my change was the Captain. When I first saw her at Auckland I thought that she was hot and that as soon as I had her alone I was going to have some fun with her. Then, when she left me on the bridge with nothing to do during the crisis, I was lost. I realized I had to become something better than a drunk, strung out convict, I had to make a place on this stranded ship and belong. I have never begged for anything in my life, but I begged to go after Harry. I couldn't be abandoned out here alone, with no friends.

As soon as I got my commission, we began our flirting. I was a step above pig as I didn't let it get too graphic, but not too much at the beginning. But then again she was flirting right back at me, telling stories of when she used to sneak out at night. I wanted to make myself feel like someone wanted me. And I guess I was doing the same for her. Over time, as she and the rest of the crew began to respect me, I realized I wasn't just playing and that I was crushing on her. Once she and Chakotay started flirting, I took a step back and let him have her. I was too involved and I still was a pig around women and she deserved so much better. I couldn't drag her down to my level.

After that Warp 10 disaster I realized that my crush might not be so one sided. I know my heart went into overdrive when she said that it was sometimes the female who initiated sex. I think I was about one second from trying to initiate some sex right there in sickbay when I heard B'Elanna's voice in my head calling me a pig. Unless I was ready for a relationship, I wasn't ready for sex with Kathryn Janeway.

Then along came that stupid mission to find the traitor. I realized not only was I risking my life, which I seemed to do on most away missions anyway, but the respect I had worked so hard to earn. But I couldn't say no, since she asked me to do it. I realized I was in deep when I took this mission fully expecting to not return alive. I knew that that I definitely felt something for the Captain beyond just physical attraction if I was willing to accept this deadly mission without a second thought. But I guess it also hurt to know that she asked me to throw away everything I've built on this ship with a simple request from her.

Deceiving Harry was hard, since he truly is my best friend. But, he was, and in many ways still is naive about the way the world works, and he still can't carry off a poker face to save his life. So, he wasn't the hardest to keep the secret from.

I hated lying to Chakotay. That was the one thing I fought about the mission with the Captain and Tuvok. He could keep a secret and he deserved to be in the loop as the second ranking officer on the ship. But I was obviously overruled and the ship paid for it with many tense senior staff meetings following the full disclosure of the mission. And I personally paid for it for quite a while as he held it against me.

The hardest to deceive was B'Elanna. That was when I started realizing how important her friendship was to me. When she asked me what was wrong as we were working to get onto Dreadnought, I had to literally bite my tongue not to confess to her. She had everything I wanted, but was giving up for the sake of the ship.

Once I got back, we settled into a routine of crazy, life threatening missions interspaced with great times with my friends. I was either hanging out with Harry, and sometimes B'Elanna or challenging the Captain to a game of pool. I guess I took a special interest in her, since I knew that no one else on Voyager had any idea what it is like to be in her position. I remember growing up the weight of command on my father, and he had plenty of friends he could rely on, something which she didn't have here in the Delta Quadrant. The least I could do was be her friend.

When the Captain and the Commander came down with that virus, it was very difficult. Not only was I losing a friend, but I had to step up into the first officer role at a time when the respect I'd earned on the ship was still tenuous. Sure I'd saved the ship from the traitor, but I was less than two years out of Auckland. I think I did gain a few more people's respect since I helped the crew stand up to Tuvok, the acting captain, and search out the Vidians for the cure.

As much as I yearned for her while she was gone, I stopped the flirting after she and Chakotay were trapped on that planet. I missed putting a smile on her face with a compliment, but I figured that he was the one in love with her, not me. It was only years later that I understood why I missed the flirting so much and realized I loved her.

Some of those missions were amazing, like the trip back to the twentieth century where I actually got to live my dreams. Plus we picked up the mobile emitter so that I didn't have to worry as much about being the medic on away missions. And over time I become conscious of the fact I was falling for B'Elanna, which was quite a ride. She tolerated me most of the time, and once in a while I could get her to smile. She is an amazing woman, and unfortunately most people in her life haven't taken the time to show her that.

I've looked back and tried to figure out when I started seeing B'Elanna as more than just another buddy and I realize that there has always been something more. I've been attracted to her since I first met her in the Maquis. I may have gone for the easy lay over the last few years, but I've always preferred the women I truly care for to have a little spark to them, such as the Captain or especially B'Elanna. I guess when I supported her while she was torn in two by the Vidiians is when I really looked at her as a friend, not just a pretty face or Harry's friend. When we worked together on the Warp 10 experiment, I moved her into the category of one of my closest friends, and I guess it just grew from there until I realized that I was falling in love with her.

And then there was Vorik and his Pon Farr. He almost easy ruined the most amazing thing in my life. It was so hard to say no, but I had come to know B'Elanna over the previous three years and if I had given in to her demands, she might never speak to me again, and most certainly wouldn't let me touch her that way again. It was the moment I pushed her away in the caves for the last time that I realized that I wasn't just falling for her; I was in love with her. I was willing to watch her go through that unimaginable pain for the minimal hope that one day she would feel the same towards me.

I was so worried when we came back that I had lost her forever, I even sat down and talked to the Captain about it. We didn't spend long discussing B'Elanna, as I could tell the Captain was uncomfortable with it, but we did just sit and talk. I think that is when we started to reconnect. I had been focused on my flirtation with B'Elanna and my friendship with Harry that I neglected my friendship with the Captain. Unfortunately, that is also when I started confusing my feelings for her.

After a lot of flirting and building up of friendship, B'Elanna and I finally got together after that disastrous Day of Honor. I was so worried when she raced out of Tuvok's promotion celebration and on cloud nine when she kissed me back. I just figured everything would work out at that point.

Then, in true Delta Quadrant style, nothing goes as planned, along came those stupid aliens with their DNA and hormone manipulations. I don't think even my father ever embarrassed me as much as I was when B'Elanna and I were called out for our behavior in front of the Captain. I felt like I was betraying her trust as both a crewmember and a friend. I think that's another point in time where I confused my feelings toward her. To make up for it, it was months before I did more than hold B'Elanna's hand outside quarters or the holodeck.

Once we finished cleaning up after the Hirogen takeover, I started to get complacent about our relationship. I guess seeing B'Elanna pregnant, even in a stupid holodeck killing field, scared me a little and I took a step back, distancing myself from her. I loved her, but I wasn't quite ready to settle down and have children with her. Then Steth came along and terrified me that I might lose her. I couldn't believe what that alien did. He assaulted B'Elanna and switched the Captain into my body.

Now if that wasn't a bizarre experience I don't know what is. At that point I thought I was falling for the Captain, even though I was in love with B'Elanna. To not only have your body hurt the woman you love, but have another woman you are definitely physically and emotionally attracted to inhabit your body, I know weird is part of the job but that was too much.

It took weeks for B'Elanna to finally admit that, given the timeline of when I was sent off in Steth's body, she probably slept with him thinking it was me. It took me all of two seconds to grasp that we were too far away for me to chase him down and kill him before I realized that it was more important to comfort B'Elanna than deal with that alien. She in no way cheated on me, and given that I was having my own fantasies as to what the Captain did to my body while she inhabited it, I forgave any indiscretion she many have thought she did. And then we promptly made sure to rechristen every surface they may have touched together to chase away any demons.

I think our next relationship crisis was that stupid demon planet that duplicated Harry and me. I didn't care that she was crying when she thought I was dying. Actually, it made me feel pretty proud of myself. What hurt was that she had to stop and think about joining me on that planet. Didn't she feel like we were becoming two halves of a whole? I knew at that point that I had to have B'Elanna close to me, at least as a friend and hopefully as my other half. At the time I still wasn't sure where I stood with the Captain, but I was not ready to give up fighting for B'Elanna's heart.

Then we came to that stupid eternal night. B'Elanna was trying to start a fight and the Captain locked herself away. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. The two most important women in my life and they were pushing themselves away. I tried to ignore it, spending time with Harry on the Captain Proton program. I even tried to make B'Elanna jealous by spending time with Seven, who she hates. Nothing seemed to work until we left that ghastly place. And as we try to leave, the Captain tries to take off on her own. It seemed as if my perfect life was starting to spiral out of control.

I realized a few weeks later exactly how oblivious I was to everything going on around me. Whereas the Captain locked herself away during her depression, B'Elanna threw herself into her work and the holodeck. I knew she was doing dangerous programs, after all I helped program many of them, but I had no idea the extent of the problem. Between the many medical devices we had stored in her quarters for our more Klingon sessions and sheer luck, she avoided needing my help too often to heal her injuries.

It wasn't until the last few weeks before Chakotay found out that she truly began to shut me out. She wouldn't even give me a kiss by the end. I was still feeling guilty from when I pulled away before Steth, that again, I didn't call her on it. Of course hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I guess I just never realized how bad it was getting.

If only I had, then we could have avoided so much embarrassment. B'Elanna hates being the center of attention, unless it's while solving an engineering problem, and here she had everyone looking over her shoulder and monitoring her every move. I was so happy when she came with us on the maiden flight of the Delta Flyer. Up until that point I was afraid I would lose her, but when she rigged that force field I realized that eventually she was going to get better, and we were going to take that flight together.

When she came into my quarters that night after having banana pancakes with Neelix I laid out the ground rules. I had talked with the Doc and the Captain and I was not going to be involved in any of the medical aspects of her recovery. She didn't need to be concerned that I, as her boyfriend, would be telling the Doc of every time she felt a little down. Instead I would be there to support her, leaving the monitoring to everyone else. I didn't add that I had gotten them to agree to the deal since I had done such a poor job in the past few months, that I obviously wasn't the right person to monitor her. It's taken a while, and there are still times that I see her getting down, but slowly she recovered into the fiery women we all knew before we heard the news of the Maquis.

While we are regularly in life and death situation here in the Delta, there was one experience I had hoped never to repeat, gradually running out of oxygen. Sitting in that shuttle slowly dying brought up memories of environmental suits and declarations of love. This time, however I was stuck with Tuvok, who wouldn't admit to having feelings upon pain of death, and a dying Samantha Wildman, who, even with all my training with the Doc, I couldn't do anything but make her comfortable. To make it even worse, we had plenty of time sitting there contemplating our fate. Of course, it seemed like I had all the time in the world and I couldn't do a decent farewell message. I think I said something about pizza crusts to B'Elanna. But I guess I was afraid. I thought about doing a message to the Captain also, but I couldn't do it with everyone else watching. Maybe that was why I had trouble with B'Elanna's message because I was once again conflicted about my feelings.

Soon after that mission we finally completed the work on the slipstream drive. I don't know what was more exciting: that we actually finished it or that B'Elanna and Seven managed to work together long enough to finish it. I felt horrible when I had to pass on my discovery of the phase variance. I can pilot through anything, and I had to call this one off, or at least make amended plans. I hated that Harry was going to be on the Flyer and Chakotay piloting it. After all, it's my baby, but between Chakotay and me as pilots I knew I needed to be in charge of Voyager. No one else could handle the calculations on the phase variance quick enough. I wish we had been able to get further but I can't even imagine the consequences if we had been knocked out of the stream at full speed. Harry said something about a message from his future self, and that after one look at him, he was glad we had changed the timeline.

I have never been as scared in my life as when that alien attached itself to B'Elanna. Even piloting during the shuttle crash at Caldik Prime didn't prepare me for the love of my life being fused to an alien. I was so happy when she finally opened her eyes, until she saw that damn Cardassian doctor. If it didn't mean that I would be the ship's new doctor, I would have destroyed the Doc's program at that point since I'd had quite enough of playing doctor the month he was in the Alpha Quadrant. She was willing to die for her principles and I couldn't allow that. She was too important to me, and even more importantly, too valuable to the ship and our journey.

I tried to leave my personal relationship out of the argument with the Captain. I knew that she still didn't quite approve of us, so pushing that in her face as a reason to force it on B'Elanna would only have made the situation worse. I almost cried in front of the senior staff when she finally made her decision to force the operation. I was so happy that she would live and so sure that we would no longer be together because I was the one who made the argument to save her.

Luckily for me, the Captain said something that really set B'Elanna off after the operation and she only held it against her. It took some time, but she forgave me, understanding that I did understand her beliefs but her life was more important to me. I'd rather have her alive and mad than gone from my life forever. I think that was the first time I realized how much B'Elanna had a problem with the Captain. In hindsight I am guessing that she had realized my ambiguous feelings for the Captain and that fueled her anger over the forced operation.

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_A/N - Thanks again to starrylaa for the beta. _

_A/N - Obviously there are multiple parts to Tom's point of view. The more you review, the faster I will post them..._


	3. Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye Part 2

Last Drive Through The Psyche - Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye Part 2

By Riss

I have never been prouder or more ashamed of any one action in my life as I was for my decision to take the Delta Flyer and attempt to destroy the plant on Monea. I joined the Maquis as a mercenary. All I was interested in was flying and getting some latinum to pay my bar bills I could have cared less about their cause. I know that Chakotay as well as most of the Maquis resented me for that choice. But, at the time, I had to worry about myself and I didn't care about the outside world.

Now, I am in a different place. I realize that a lot of the crew thinks I have a hero complex or a death wish, but I don't. I've always been a little reckless, but at least now I channel it into something besides an adrenaline fix. When I got out of prison I realized where my priorities are. Life isn't just about living another day, it's about doing your best to make it a good day.

Until now, I didn't fully understand how those not directly affected by the Cardassians could join the Maquis. How could you give your life for people with whom you have no direct connection? And then Harry and I were called out of Captain Proton and onto the bridge, where we first saw it.

As soon as I saw that ocean in space, I had to go in. I love sailing, and if I had my choice of careers as a little kid, I would have lived it on the ocean. But I grew up and here was a chance to combine my passions, flying and water. Taking the Delta Flyer down into the ocean was one of the best moments of my life.

Plus I got to work with the Captain. With all the troubles that B'Elanna and I have been through the last few months, I guess I was realizing how simple my friendship was with the Captain. We were raised in the same type of family and both are social people. We connect on a different level than I do with B'Elanna. Sitting in her Ready Room discussing Jules Vern was incredible.

Then we realized what the problem was with the ocean. I was shocked that the Captain didn't try to do anything about it. I practically begged and all she did was send me away. So I went to the place where I controlled the world, Captain Proton. I sat there wondering what I could do to try to make this right. And then B'Elanna came looking for me.

I know that she didn't mean for me to do quite what I did, but I don't think she was disappointed with my choice either. She saw that I'm not the same mercenary that joined the Maquis. I may not be able to save the galaxy, but I can take a stand. If I wasn't already in love with B'Elanna, she would have taken my heart by coming to me in the holodeck.

Then I had to go and ruin everything. I think I made the right choice to follow my heart, but that day I damaged my relationship with the Captain. I ignored her pleas to stop and could have died if Tuvok hadn't precisely programmed the torpedo to damage and not destroy.

Standing there at attention as she sentenced me was so hard. All I wanted to do was get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness. But I could see the look in her eye. I knew she was angry enough that I was lucky to still be on the ship. And then I found out the damage, not only reduction in rank, but thirty days solitary confinement. If I hadn't realized the extent of her anger before that, it was clear at that point. Chakotay had stolen a shuttle before, Tuvok had sold the entire Federation library, and both ended up with reprimands. In all my antics on and off the ship, I'd never gotten more than reprimands. The only time anyone had been in the brig had been a day or so for fighting onboard or the couple days I got when I pushed Chakotay on the bridge, and that was just for show.

I was sure that once she had time to cool down, she would reduce the punishment. I figured I'd stay an Ensign, but she'd let me out of the brig. I tried to take my punishment calmly, and not beg, but once I got knocked around in that battle I had to beg the Doc to get out of there. I was going crazy, but nothing worked.

The things that got me through were the little things, Harry's visit, the padd, trying to explain it to my father and ironically the conduct of the guards. I expected that they would heckle me and try to make my life miserable. But they were respectful and polite at all times. They even let me know about the fact that the senior staff had requested a reduction in my punishment.

But the thing that helped me the most with my time as an Ensign was the crew. They actually stood up and clapped for me my first meal in the Mess Hall. They treated me the exact same way as if I still had my Lieutenant's pip. I had done it for myself, but it felt good to know that the crew was behind me.

Shortly after I got out of the brig, we entered Devore space. They refused to allow telepaths though their space and it would have taken too long to go around. With the Vulcan's onboard and the refugees we picked up on the way, we had to come up with a way to hide them. All the senior staff agreed that the transporter suspension was our best option.

Then the Captain decided to add in a little twist once we met the inspector. He seemed intrigued by her, and so she told the senior staff that she was going to use that to her advantage. It wasn't until much later that we realized she was going to seduce him. I think most of us were shocked, but she didn't ask our opinions. I was surprised that I was feeling a little jealous. I love B'Elanna, but somehow, I feel something for her as well.

Things have been so strained between the Captain and me since my demotion. I feel like I can't even talk to her. And then, those photonic aliens stumble into the Captain Proton program. I felt so guilty that they were trapped in my pretend world, and that it could destroy the ship. I almost hesitated offering my suggestion, since there was only one woman on board who could pull it off. While I love B'Elanna, she could never be a 'Queen' such as Archana, and she hates the program anyway. It almost felt like old times as I was describing the solution in the conference room, practically flirting with the Captain in front of most of the senior staff. Then to have her join me in the holodeck, it felt that we were finally back on the right track. Finally we were reconnecting and rebuilding what we had lost at Monea.

Despite all the life and death situations on board, getting trapped in that gravity well was one of my worst away missions ever on this voyage since we thought we might be there forever. It may sound egotistical, but I'm pretty good at most things. Being there was pure hell. I felt so useless since I couldn't even help catch our dinner. And to watch as Noss fell for Tuvok, a happily married Vulcan was torture. I missed B'Elanna so much. I think that was when I first started to let my attraction for the Captain go. I didn't really think of her at all while we were down there beyond the questions of how long she would search for us. I got into a few discussions with Tuvok over whether the time period would have been the same or different if he had not been on the mission with me. I feared that he was the only reason they would have stayed long enough to find us. Despite the respect I'd earned, the Captain had been ready to kill me at Monea, so I knew she was willing to continue the voyage without me.

Poor Harry, he can't even get any without hurting himself. I may not be able to make up my mind about my feelings toward the Captain, despite dating B'Elanna, but to have to go through withdrawal after sex, ouch. I've been a pretty model Ensign since I was demoted, but I couldn't let them catch him when I was on the bridge. After all, what's one more reprimand compared to the needs of your best friend? What hurt me were the Captain's comments to Harry while in sickbay. The Doc gleefully told me that she would have expected this behavior from me, not him. I've worked so hard these last few months regaining her trust, and this is yet another reminder that it may never be enough.

Seven's little research project on relationships almost caused her a broken jaw. I have never seen B'Elanna quite that livid. Since I got over my little phobia of not doing anything in public, we have tried to be discreet. We didn't realize quite how loud we were, but it's not our fault that the only rooms with any decent soundproofing are the holodecks. At least our request for better sound suppression in our quarters was quickly approved once the Captain found out about Seven's project. Of course B'Elanna wasn't happy with the Captain's minor reprimand, so we decided to get revenge our own way. Of course, these days B'Elanna isn't happy with very much the Captain does. Since I didn't want her to get in trouble for it, I made that little bet with the Doc and then found the perfect time to let Seven know about it so she could feel a little of the mortification B'Elanna and I felt at her disclosure in the middle of the Mess Hall.

My feelings toward the Captain were best illustrated by the quiet times. The evening that most of the senior staff gathered in her quarters for a history lesson was just another example of how simple life would be with her. It wouldn't be about battles of wits and epic sexually charged battles, but calm discussions and simple refutation of incorrect facts, such as the Mars Project. But then again when have I ever really enjoyed the quiet life? It's great for friendship, but relationships need sparks, maybe not as many as B'Elanna and I execute on a daily basis, but definitely more than just pats on my shoulders.

I couldn't believe how jealous and angry I was when we met up with the Equinox. Of course both B'Elanna and I have past relationships so I knew someone like Max Burke was a part of her past, but did she have to flirt with him in front of me. BLT! She won't even let me call her Bella or Be or anything but B'Elanna and she smiles as he calls her BLT. And then asking to meet for dinner, I know I came across as a possessive boyfriend, but he was lucky I didn't try to kill him right there in the Mess Hall.

I tried to talk to the Captain. I know, talking to her about my jealousy over the one I love with flirting with another person, but I didn't know who else to talk to about it. She's usually great about calming me down, but the situation didn't allow time for it. After all, the middle of a life threatening fight for the ship wasn't the time for a chat about my love life. And things just kept getting worse.

I don't know what made me angrier, that Burke betrayed us, or that the Captain almost killed someone to get information. They tried to keep that part quiet, but I knew something was wrong when the Captain came back with the information and informed us that Chakotay was confined to quarters.

Even through my haze of jealousy I could see that Burke wasn't the nicest guy. He used people for his own gain, not necessarily caring about the rules along the way. I'm sure he wasn't this bad when B'Elanna knew him or she wouldn't have had anything to do with him, but just as the Delta Quadrant has changed us on Voyager and brought out our best qualities, it changed them as well, but for the worse. B'Elanna told me afterwards that she was angry with him, but felt sorry for him as well. After all, early in the voyage we definitely made some bad decisions, but always refrained from stepping over the line too far, whereas they ended up ignoring the line.

The Captain's actions were even more troubling. After the playful banter and good humor we've been able to achieve over the last few weeks I thought things were getting better for her, and especially between us. I can't understand how she could step over the line and almost kill someone. I understand that it was a life or death situation, but torture?

I think something in her has changed the longer we've been on the voyage. Seeing Captain Ransom and the rest of his crew, I realize it isn't as drastic as that, but she is making decisions now that she never would have considered before. I'm not sure if it's the fact we've been able to contact Starfleet and let them know we're alive or if it's something more personal.

I know that she feels something towards me. I realize also that I have feelings towards her that aren't the most appropriate for a man in a monogamous long term relationship. I'm afraid this has done something to change her, make her more cynical. A lot of her decisions since B'Elanna and I first got together have become much more judgmental and harsh. Even ignoring Monea, she is much quicker to judge us for our actions and much less inhibited in her dealings with other species. A few years ago she never would have flirted with an alien we were having talks with, and a few months ago she seduces one. Torture would never have been tolerated and now she almost killed a man. I'm not sure what I can do. I try to keep our dealing professional, but I value our friendship. I'm afraid if I try to take that away, she will be even more lost.

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_A/N - Thanks to starrylaa for the beta._

_A/N - One more chapter from Tom to go. Again, the more you review, the faster I post the last part of Tom's thoughts_


	4. Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye Part 3

Last Drive Through The Psyche - Holding Hands, Saying Goodbye Part 3

By Riss

I don't know who I was madder at, B'Elanna for trying to die or the Captain for letting her do it. I was so scared when I heard that she was injured on that stupid shuttle mission. That's why we should never send anyone out alone on a shuttle, not even me. We're lucky she finally came out of the coma in the first place.

Then she started saying she had to go back and rescue her mother. I'm all for Klingon traditions, but she wanted to practically attempt suicide in order to counteract this dream she had while in the coma. I begged her not to do it, but the Captain said that it was important for her to follow it through. She wanted to exchange her soul for her mother's, who she hasn't seen in about a decade. She was willing to die and go to Klingon hell, leaving behind her family, leaving me behind.

I wondered how the Captain could allow this suicidal act, especially considering B'Elanna's history of suicidal tendencies. It made me stop and think if maybe the Captain wouldn't mind if B'Elanna wasn't around anymore. Maybe her feelings for me were greater than I thought, that she was willing to entertain B'Elanna's crazy scheme just to get her out of the way.

But the worst parts were in sickbay as I had to stand by and watch as the Doc try to kill her. As the Doc's backup I had to sit and watch as he did nothing, waiting for her to settle whatever she needed to in her mind. Watch as she came out of it and rather than thank me for putting up with the agony of watching her die, she hugs the one who allowed her to try to kill herself. As they held onto each other, I could feel my heart breaking not once, but twice. But in the end, I knew that only one went into it with the best intensions. Only one was completely selfless in this horrible affair. Only one was worth the heartbreak of trying again to repair my damaged heart.

I guess that's my excuse for my behavior at first with Alice. I saw that shuttle and just wanted to have some fun. I needed something outside piloting the Captain's ship and being just another on the list of B'Elanna's priorities. I just wanted something special that was mine alone, I never meant to get in so deep. But as soon as I engaged that neural interface, there wasn't really anything I could do to resist. Alice took away my ability to make choices.

The things I did under the influence of Alice, I am so ashamed. I can't believe I let a stupid shuttle take over my live. I ignored my friends, disrespected Chakotay and I almost caused B'Elanna's death. Alice must have realized that she was my most important tie to Voyager, since she tried to kill her not once but twice. She also did everything she could to cause B'Elanna to hate me.

But somehow through it all B'Elanna stood by me. She did what the calls from the Captain didn't even start to do, break through the hold that Alice had on me. Her voice was the only thing that could break through the haze that Alice made of my mind. Her face is the only thing that managed to distract me from Alice's mission. As soon as I saw her I felt as if I had gone to heaven. Alice's words about home no longer had meaning, since I was already home with B'Elanna.

I decided it was time to create another holodeck program. Captain Proton just hasn't been the same since those photonic aliens invaded it. This time I wanted to go for a whole different world, maybe something historical. Since it was unlikely that B'Elanna would participate no matter what I programmed, I figured I'd do something that appealed to the other important woman in my life. And maybe help her find someone to spend some quality time with as well.

After some brainstorming, Harry and I came up with the idea of an Irish village. I knew that the Captain would love the idea of Fair Haven. It would be a wonderful break from the reality of Voyager, providing a change for people to dress up and create their own character. But, since it was Earth's history not a fantasy world, I was sure that the Captain would prefer it to Proton. I even gave her a little gift. I researched the physical parameters of her two fiancées and based the barkeep off of them. I figured if it was someone she was attracted to, she might let off a little steam. Though I decided to make her work for it a little since I created a wife for her to delete when she realized what she wanted.

And the place was a hit. Not only did the crew love it, but so did the Captain. She not only deleted his wife, she molded him into her perfect man. Maybe, finally she would have a little happiness in her life. Everything was going great, since all we could do was hang out on the holodecks and slowly make our way through this mess of space, until the Captain decides it isn't right to be in love with a hologram. My answer is that she has rejected everyone else, so she might as well not be alone.

Her leaving wouldn't be such a bad thing, except that she didn't give any reason for it to her lover, the barkeep. He decided that it was my fault and next thing I know, I'm involved in yet another bar fight. I'm guessing she probably spilled a few of her secret desires to her holodeck lover, otherwise why would he come after me. I'm guessing since he never saw me with B'Elanna, he figured Katie O'Claire had run off to join me, not knowing I was taken.

For once she didn't come to me for advice, which, after that fight I wouldn't have been to happy to give to her. The Doc let me know later that she came to talk to him, and he told her to get over the fact that he was a hologram.

Of course, just as they were starting to work things out, something had to go very wrong, as per usual on this journey. This time it was the improper shutdown of the holodecks, destroying the details of Fair Haven. Harry and I would be able to save some of it, but a lot of the character subroutines and such would be lost. We would have to make some hard choices as to what was worth saving. We went to the Captain to let her know the bad news and I had to give her the chance. I was as circumspect as I could be since Harry was there, but I asked her if there was any particular part of the program she wanted me to save. She later let me know that she had locked herself out of the barkeep's subroutines, but if I could save his program as it was already created, she would appreciate it. Without a second thought I put him at the top of the save list. After all, it was the least I could do for one of my good friends. She needed someone, and I wasn't available to be that someone.

Sometimes things happen that render you speechless. My father said he was proud of me. I wasn't sure I would ever speak to him again, and not only did I get to hear his voice, but he told the Captain, no, all of Voyager, he was proud of me. Her hand on my shoulder and his voice in my ears made me feel amazing. I felt so respected, for the first time in my life.

Her hand on my shoulder once represented unrequited, unexplored love. But finally it meant what it was supposed to mean. Her hand was my support, helping guide me and convey her respect for my skills. For the first time, I didn't feel guilty as her hand rested on my shoulder as B'Elanna look at us. It wasn't a symbol of an illicit affair, but a representation of the respect of a mentor towards their mentee.

I am getting sick of all these Delta Quadrant phenomena and aliens who want to mess with our brains and bodies. Weeks into our voyage I get a memory implant. Then there was the clamp, my evolving and turning into a reptile, the medical testers and messing with my hormones, Steth who switched me out of my body, not to mention Alice. I thought we'd been through everything and now we stumbled upon a Memorial.

On Earth they put up walls or statues. Here in the Delta Quadrant apparently they implant memories. That was definitely one of the most horrifying experiences I've had. I've killed people before. I've had to watch them die in front of me after I crashed the shuttle at Caldik Prime. But this was worse. To have a memory of shooting someone in cold blood… I was beside myself.

B'Elanna was amazing. First she was there to greet us after the two week away mission. I felt like I was coming home, which isn't something I've felt too often in my life. Then she was there for me after each of my memory episodes. Even when I sent her away, horrified at what I thought were my memories, she kept coming back. She could have just taken my anger as a dismissal, but she showed me how important it is to stick behind the one you love.

I was so frustrated with the Captain. Again she ignored the view of those around her. Now, after I have begun to assimilate the memories, I can understand the reasons for the memorial. I can even applaud their ingenuity, but as the recipient of too many false memories over the years, I still can't agree with the decision. But it isn't even what she chose to do, but how she did it. Ignoring that four of her senior officers all but begged her to turn it off; she made up her mind and ignored any other view. I had hoped that the contact with Star Fleet and her enjoyment of Fair Haven would temper out her recent actions, but she was as stubborn as she has been since I was put in the brig.

B'Elanna missing on the away mission with Harry was the second worst mission I wasn't a part of. Only the Borg mission scared me more. I was so afraid I had lost both her and my best friend. I had no one to turn to, except the Captain. She tried to keep me sane, but with Tuvok working non-stop to find them, there was only so much time she had to devote to me. One of the funniest moments on this voyage was when I walked in on Tuvok asleep on the bridge. And then to hear Harry's message that they were alive, I again almost cried in front of the senior staff.

Soon after that mission was the worst away mission B'Elanna ever went on. I guess my dad would be proud; I was Voyager's first officer again for a while. I was actually pretty good at the job according to Chakotay, and I hated every minute of it. It wouldn't have been so bad if B'Elanna had been there, but she was on the Borg cube. I know that's when I finally realized that she was the only one for me, and that we were going to be together for our lifetimes. I actually started planning a few different ways of asking her to marry me. I figured I'd start by dropping hints about our future together, since we never had discussed something like marriage. With her parent's history I figured I'd have a long road of convincing ahead of me.

My first real discussion of our long term future was to be during our weekend together on the holodeck, and what do I do but screw it up. I love B'Elanna, but this race was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I think B'Elanna was more upset by the fact I begged the Captain to do the race than the canceled weekend alone. After all, until the shuttle ride we didn't get a chance to finally clear the air about any perceived relationship I might have with the Captain.

I've realized for a while that B'Elanna knew about my conflicted feelings toward the Captain. I tried hard to hide it, but in the wake of my thirty days of brig time, I slowly realized that B'Elanna was definitely aware of my dilemma. At times her behavior clearly displayed her jealousy, her animosity towards the Captain, but what could I do? Until I finally realized where I stood, anything I said would only make things worse. I was so busy mistaking my need for the Captain's respect, my friendship and my appreciation for her attractiveness for something more, that I had to be clear on my feeling or I would just exacerbate the situation

So my request to do the race brought things to a head. I didn't realize until B'Elanna told me during the race that she really didn't have any idea of my intentions. I had been so worried about raising her ire with talk of marriage and being too tender for her Klingon side that I hid too many of my feelings. I knew my intentions were to ask her to be my wife, but apparently I had been very good about hiding those intentions. While I had spent the last few weeks thinking of how to bring up the fact that I wanted us not to renew our birth control boosters when they came due in another month, she had thought I was just around to have fun.

And then it came to a head, its crunch time. I have to choose. It's been consuming my life for a while now, creating a wedge in between me and the one I truly love. Do I stay with the love I know I have? The one that I know will be with me forever, or try something new? Do I throw away everything I worked for?

I can't believe how close I came to losing everything. She was about to leave me on that shuttle because I was too afraid to let go of a fantasy. It took only a second to figure it out as the race continued around us and the warp core began to breach. She was going to leave me and I realized that while I may have thought I wanted 'her,' I needed B'Elanna. She made me come alive and gives me every reason to get up every day.

That magnetic pull from two directions suddenly disappeared as I finally asked the question I'd been contemplating for a while. I realized that I was creating my own problems. By refusing to stop looking, I was going to lose the most important thing in my life. I was so afraid of stopping; I was looking for a way out.

As soon as I asked B'Elanna to marry me, I realized that while I may have a lot of affection for the Captain, she does not complete me. I am physically attracted to her, after all no one will deny that she is a beautiful woman. I also value her as a close friend. However, in my fear of commitment, I took the love of a friend and made it more. I finally realized that just because I found her attractive doesn't mean that the love I have for her is any different than the love I have for my best friend Harry.

It was time to say goodbye to other possibilities and settle down. I had the love of my life standing next to me, and nothing was going to ruin that picture. So now I have a wife and the rest of my life to hold her hand and make sure she understands that she is the only one for me.

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_A/N - Thanks to starrylaa for the beta_

_A/N - I'm getting sad... only one chapter left in this saga. It all started one day many years ago when I showed up for something way too early and the phrase, The Back of His Head popped into my brain. Just as the Captain had the first word on their relationship, so does she have the last. Review, and soon I'll post up the final thought._


	5. Head, Hands and Moving On

_A/N – Thanks to starrylaa for the beta and for giving me the amazing quote I use in this story._

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Last Drive Through The Psyche - Head, Hands and Moving On

By Riss

Today was the hardest day of my life. I finally started to grieve for the one person that wasn't mine to lose. I think we have both loved the other, but it just wasn't enough.

I had to perform their marriage today. He came to me beforehand to let me know of their decision to marry immediately. He thanked me for being a good friend and for believing in him. He told me that it was the faith shown by Harry and myself at the beginning of the voyage that helped him realize that he was worth loving, either as a friend or that he deserved B'Elanna's love. Just before he called the rest of the senior staff into the conference room for the wedding, he took my hands in his and leaned down to give me a kiss on the head as he said "Thank you." In a way, it was our goodbye.

The amazing thing was that I was actually happy for them, not just putting on another act. They are really a good couple. They work well together. My heart finally caught up with what my head had realized months ago, it was time to let go of the man who was never mine. While looking for quotes to use at their wedding, I found one for me, "There's a difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is sacrificing something that is rightfully yours. Letting go is sacrificing something that was never yours in the first place." I may love him, but it was time to let him go.

I finally started to realize it was time to start letting go after I reduced his rank and sentenced him to the brig for thirty days. I had taken things too far. One punishment or the other would have been enough, but both were vindictive. I had let my feelings interfere with not only my job, but the lives of everyone on board. We could have lost people in that battle while he was in the brig; because I was too proud to admit I was wrong.

After he got out and treated me the same as before, still my friend, I had to stop and think. I may love him, but was it enough. If he was in a relationship that didn't work, I could understand trying to step in, but that wasn't the case. He truly loves her. I may love him, and I think he feels something for me, but that's it. You don't take a race-winning shuttle apart to build a new one from scratch. You work on and maintain what you have.

For a few minutes I actually thought I had him. We were in the briefing room flirting in front of most of the senior staff, then on then way to the holodeck when he gave me the specification of that ridiculous costume. But it was all another illusion for the sake of the ship. As soon as we shut down the holodeck after the photonic aliens closed the rift he was off to dinner with B'Elanna. He enjoys my company as a friend and we do have many things in common, but that's all it is for him.

I think he's done his best to help me move on. After all, he built a holodeck program that might as well have been tailored for me. He even made me a special character, trying to provide the one thing that I can't get on this ship, companionship that isn't someone under my command. When Fair Haven was destroyed, he even came to me and asked if there was anything that I wanted him to make sure to save. He was trying so hard to not ask directly since Harry was there, but we both knew exactly what he meant.

I think I finally realized that I had to move on after my experience with the Borg. He was against it the whole time, but his reasons had nothing to do with me personally. He was afraid for B'Elanna, worried about the ship, and concerned about stepping into the role of temporary first officer.

When we left and blew up the Delta Flyer, I finally fully realized I had gone too far. Once again, I had put my personal mission ahead of the safety of the crew and our mission to get home. Yes, defeating the Borg would be a coup, but I didn't have to send myself and two other senior officers to be assimilated. I now understood what Chakotay, Tuvok and the Doctor had all been trying to tell me, that I had to stop trying to prove myself at every turn. Everything is not a crusade. I may be the Captain of Voyager, but I am not alone on this crew. I was so concerned with Tom that I forgot who I was. The only way to reclaim myself is to let go of him, otherwise I would never stop.

But no matter how much I realize that it is the right thing to do, I'm still hurt. I'll miss looking at the back of his head and fantasizing that the blush on his neck is because he is thinking of me. Putting my hands on his shoulders when I walk down to the helm will not be my dream of caressing a lover.

Moving on is the hardest thing to do in life. I've had to do it three times now with both my fiancées and now Tom. With a small community of people, many of them paired already, I realize that I'm going to be alone. You know what; the holodeck isn't looking so bad right now.

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**_A/N - Thank you for joining me on this journey through the minds of Voyager. Next up I'm working on an AU where Tom never made it onto Voyager. Let me know via PM or review if you'd like to see it posted here. I'm kinda stuck at the moment, so any encouragement would be greatly appreciated. (Don't worry, I'm returning to my P/T roots!) Who knows, I may even send you a short preview..._**


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